Mom and dad, you argue too much.
The other day my two kids, a middle schooler daughter and a high schooler son, came up to my husband and me and said,
“Mom and Dad, we think you guys argue too much. You make us pay $1 when we don’t put away dishes. We think it’s time you guys also try that on yourselves. Each time you argue, you have to each pay $1 to us.”
“O… K… But what does an argument mean?” My husband and I are both analytical, so first we asked for clarification.
“Well, like earlier how you were arguing about grandma.”
We both knew what she was referring to. My inlaws were visiting us, and my mother in-law was sauteing vegetables with high heat and belatedly tried to turn on the vent. My husband, worried that his mom would get lung cancer from the cooking oil fume, railed at his mom for cooking without turning on the vent. I told him to stop, that he shouldn’t talk to his mom with that harsh tone. We were indeed arguing.
The day before it was a similar case with my father-in-law, and the day before that I got upset with my husband for not sticking to the time we were supposed to take off for the weekend, which caused stress with work calls for me.
Come to think of it, that was a lot of arguing. Our kids were right. Being with relatives can also cause additional stress. We were clearly not operating as our Best Selves.
Ever eager to try a new scheme for self improvement, as well as to support our kids taking initiative, I agreed to try this out. And my husband went along too.
“When you talked to your mom that way, I felt like you were bullying her.” I explained to my husband. “So I wanted to stop that. I know you were trying to protect your mom from lung cancer. You meant well. But the tone is off.”
“Bullying my mom, ha!” My husband scoffed. I don’t blame him, my mother-in-law is one fierce lady, but she does have a soft spot for her son.
My daughter also disagreed.
“What should we do instead?” I asked my daughter, clearly the instigator for the initiative.
“Stay silent and count to 3.” She said. She clearly thought about how she’d like us to improve.
Well it didn’t take long for a new case. Only the next day, my husband and I were talking, and he was pushing for something and raised his voice. I then pushed back and also raised my voice.
“Okay mom and dad, time to pay a $1 each.” Our kids were happy to catch us in the act.
My husband said, “Well, that wasn’t really an argument. We were just discussing.”
“Yeah, I didn’t even get mad, I was just talking.” I added.
My daughter said, “But you both raised your voice. That counts.”
“Fine.” I didn’t want to push back too much on my daughter’s first case. Plus I felt a bit sheepish for a potential new case so soon.
Then at lunch, my daughter was trying to figure out what to order. She wanted to try a new noodle dish.
My husband immediately said to her, “You can’t order random stuff at a specialty restaurant. The last few times you tried to order new dishes you were disappointed. Why don’t you stick with your usual order and just change the noodle.” He went on for several minutes.
“Let the girl order what she wants.” I pushed back. “I don’t want our girl to be afraid to try new things.”
“Okay that sounds like an argument. $1?” My kids looked at each other and said.
“What? That can’t count.” My husband protested. This time I also agreed. “We didn’t even raise our voice.”
“But you were arguing.” My daughter said. “When I stay over at aunty’s place, they don’t argue so much.”
Ouch. I felt a bit sad for my kids, having to deal with parents who tend to argue. She probably longs for a home environment that’s more peaceful. “Aww… You wish we wouldn’t argue so much either.” Our poor girl, who’s by far more sensitive than her brother.
“Okay, I’m gonna try to count to 3.” How can I not agree to try to do better for my little girl.
As you can see, trying to find a better model for getting along with people isn’t just an abstract academic exercise for me. It’s also me trying very hard to find a solution for the day to day problems of life that I face.
My story isn’t unique, even if my husband and I argue perhaps more than other parents you know.
Did you know that tone of voice or attitude is the #1 thing couples fight about? And even more so for couples 45+. Yep, that’s more than money, household chores, sex, or parenting.
Stress and our ability to manage that does ebb and flow. You’ll be happy to know that since that time, our kids only brought the $1 up 2-3 times in the last three months. Still, even once isn’t great.
American parents overall are quite stressed. About half of those surveyed say that, "most days their stress is completely overwhelming" according to the Surgeon General’s Public Health Advisory on Parental Stress in 2024, that’s almost twice as many as non-parents. Stress makes it harder for us to keep our emotions in check, and arguments more likely.